I Will Be The Poet..

... my life is the muse.

Sometimes, words are the only thing that can do my emotions justice.

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Fresh cuts amongst old scars.
A worn blade on a clean surface,
resting in solidarity but for the crimson droplets,
scattered wildly with a lifetime of confusion,
years of agony and days of pain.

I don’t ask for much,
but this is important.
This one little thing I need from you,
from anyone,
anyone who’ll listen.

I need someone to save me.
Save me from this life.
This pain.
This torture.

It’s a trap,
and it’s getting bigger.

The monster inside is growing,

Me.
Save me from myself.

It taunts you.
It’s just there.
Staring it you,
beady eyes focused on your mind.

You blink.
You’re dreaming.
This is real,
you can’t wake up.

It’s terrifying.
How you’ve lost control.
You’re not who you used to be,
things have changed.

Still,
it’s there.
Glistening in addiction.
The temptation.
The monster.
It grows.

There’s no way back.

You think I do it because I want to?
That’s what it was, at first.
It helped, it did, I felt better.
For a while.

It’s nice to feel like you’re in control.
To start with, you are.

Addictions.
You can’t control those.

My skin, it itches.
My head, it pounds.
My temper, it frays.

My mind?
Distracted.
Occupied.
Confused.
Scared.

A horrible place to be.

You see, I used to be in control.
It’s a monster now.
The monster has taken over.

When it happens, it’s overwhelming.

The sheer amount of red,
pouring from the wound.

It’s breathtaking,
yet comforting.

It’s terrifying,
but it helps.

The blood,
it ceases.

The physical pain,
it’s gone.

I’m still an emotional wreck.

This never ends.

The first drop of blood is more satisfying than the rest.
Flashes of red cloud my vision as I raise the blade.
It doesn’t hurt anymore.

Crimson seeps out and hits the cold tiles;
I fall into a state of euphoria.
Bliss or self-hatred?

The addiction is tantalising,
the satisfaction fluctuating with each strike.

They tell a story now;
one for only me to know.
They’ll tell a story in the future;
you’ll be putting the pieces together.

You can see that I’m sad, baby,
you know that I’m crying.
I hope you’re not mad darlin’,
that inside I’m dying.

I never meant for it to go this far;
for me to lose control.
I never wanted you to see me this way;
all the pain has taken its toll.

I’m going now.
Just gone with the wind.

Imagine if everything was rainbows and butterflies.
No complications, just innocent bliss.

No sadness, no hatred.
Pure love and admiration.
No hailstones and thunder.

Just rainbows and butterflies.

I just need to let it all out.

Fall, and let the tears roll down.
Cry, and let my heart bleed it out.

Turn around, move on and find someone new.
Turn back, and let you know you’ve got my heart.

I said I could never stay,
I wouldn’t let myself be that girl,
Now I can’t walk away.

I never said I was an angel.
I never said I would behave.

Not once did I tell you that I wasn’t trouble.

I’m that girl you hate to love.
I speak the words you love to hate.

Me and you together, we cause trouble.

We don’t behave.
We’re not angels.

We’re perfect for each other.
Just keep it a secret.